Your ornaments should be mended, whole and in general, in good shape. Lights should be in working order and your tree trimmed (if its natural) or properly splayed out if artificial.
1. Find your Christmas music and put it on. If you haven't any, make one the kids put a hamster on the piano key boards and let it run up and down the boards. The kid needs to provide constant supervision or the hamster may fall to its death and that would make for a crummy tree decorating memory, but maybe a good laugh or two in a few years... maybe not, hard to tell with kids these days.
2. Pour 3:1 parts of eggnog and scotch whiskey into a shaker. Shake until well blended, pour into a glass and take a sip.
3. If using a natural tree, make sure to water it at this time if you haven't done so already.
4. Decorate tree - start with the lights. Test them first! The lights should be the same, that is, the same size, the same style, the same color. If using white, then use all white, if using red, then all red, if using multicolor, then all are multicolor. Start on top and run the first string of lights closer to the trunk. Use as many strings as necessary to wrap around the inside part of the tree. Then take additional lights, beginning at the top, and lay them on the branches, more towards the outside. This will give the tree a layered look of lights and will make your tree glow inside and out! Take a sip of the eggnog.
5. Next, add the garlands. I use beads. You can use smaller diameter beads on the top third, then medium diameter in the 2nd third and larger diameter beads on the lower third. The key is to use the smaller garland towards the top and finish the bottom of the tree with the large ones. I like the effect of the garland hanging in a curve between the branches but you can lay them straighter across the branches. The key is consistency. Lay them in the same way all around the tree. Step back from the tree and make any adjustments necessary and take another sip of the eggnog.
5. Next, start adding the ornaments. Separate the ornaments by size. I pack them away by size so its easier, but if you are not that obsessive, then rummage thru your ornaments and pick out the smaller ones and put those towards the top of the tree. The medium sized ones go in the middle of the tree, and the large ones...you guessed it, they go towards the lower part of the tree. The key is start on top with small and then work your way down the tree finishing with the larger ornaments.
As you are doing all this, take a few steps away from the tree every few ornaments and check on placement; filling any gaps as necessary. If you are getting so called help with decorating the tree, you will want to step back more often and move things around, but do this discreetly so folks don't get all bent and start yelling at you and stomping off. I also advise that you do not allow any drunken guests or family members to help with this crucial evaluation step as I find that their wobbling makes them incapable of determining if anything is off kilter.
6. OK, take one last look and reposition any ornaments or garland until its perfect. Your not done, yet!
7. My sister introduced me to adding little red bows to the tips of the branches. I find that this part is the piece de resistance. Of course, your bows should be a color that complements the general colour theme of your tree. You have two options here, place the bows randomly or place them in rows so that they appear to wrap around the tree like a ribbon or garland. The first method is easier, the second is a nightmare and borders on the psychotic (no offense to those of you out there that are doing it this way as its quite impressive and I am sure that your are not actually psychotic - not that there is anything wrong, necessarily with being psychotic - I think I will stop now). If you decide to try the latter method, you might want to have several sips of the eggnog as you do this and not wait til the end for your treat. Of course, this means that you might have do it all over again if you drink too much!
If placing randomly, the key is to make sure that an ornament hangs from just under the bow. So that as you go around the tree (again, starting from the top) you want to reposition the ornaments to fit on the same branch as the bow so that bow appears to sit on top of the ornament. Very cute! Take another sip of the eggnog. You might need to fix yourself some more eggnog depending on how big your sips have been. You could switch to drinking Ponche Cuba, instead.
8. Place the tree topper on the tree, using whatever methods necessary to make sure the darn thing is on straight and securely.
9. Sweep up the space under and around the tree.
10. Place the tree skirt around the tree. You can now decorate under the tree.
Well, that's it and I hope you find these to be helpful. If you have any suggestions for making these instructions better, please do share!
